State of F1: Silverstone

This is a post about the wankers at the BRDC (Bellends Ruining Drivers with Contracts).

Firstly, let's not forget that Silverstone’s main thing going for it is that it’s old. It’s like saying that we should probably replace Stormzy with old Cliff records on loop. Silverstone is flat, muddy, has bad parking and is called Silverstone. Stupid. Donnington imploded and since it last hosted a race Brands Hatch has shrunk to be about 30cm square so is no longer suitable for F1.

Therefore Silverstone should be onto a winner, history and ubiquity mean that there isn’t really another choice for F1 - and we need a British GP as basically all the teams live here and so does Murray Walker.

This all seemed to be apparent in 2009 when the BRDC (Ballbag Rutting Damon's Corns) signed a deal that would keep the British GP at silverstone until 2027 - from a BBC article at the time:

“The contract on the table was believed to demand a £12m fee for 2010, with an increase of 7% per year after that. However, it is now understood the increase has been pegged at 5%. There is also a clause in the contract that allows either side to end the contract after 10 years.”

They never had any intention of going further than ten years! I’ll bet that they worked out Bernie would be dead by then and they could appeal to the new owners who would see how ridiculous a 5% increase each year is. It’s a 17 year contract - 5% more each year is 85% - don’t check my maths.

And they were almost right. Bernie is gone and Liberty are in charge but let’s not forget they also quite like 5% of extra free money each year especially as, even though Bernie would take the money from your pocket he’d do it whilst maintaining eye contact, shaking your hand and somehow with your full agreement.

And to time their divorce announcement to be the week before the Grand Prix and then have people like Derek Warwick be really shitty every time asked about it and basically saying look how great the race is why don’t you all fuck off of course they’ll sign means that the official FF1S line is fucking bin Silverstone.

Don't worry, I have a solution

But Terry, I hear you cry, where should we conduct a race, would the streets of London really work?

No, course not, won’t ever happen. Instead we need to think laterally, what with Brexit happening we need an advert to the world that we are open for business. Therefore I say we tour old Empire countries - the British GP in Australia, in Canada, in India. No. Wait. THE FUCKING FALKLANDS. That’ll show them, with a bonus GP in Gibrlatar.

The F One Show

This week saw the Formula Circus/Invading army take over central London with little notice to the general public. Terry went to check it out.

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STOFFELROFL in a good McLaren-Honda

First things first, this was a logistical masterpiece: stages, cameras, bollard and those red and white plastic barriers all went up overnight, totally taking over Whitehall and Trafalgar Square.

I had to pass through security checks to get into the area which led to the first of many angry and confused Londoners who didn't give a shit about F1 suddenly having a small town placed between them and their journey home from work.

And for the poor people who's offices and shops were inside the village? They had to battle their bikes and shopping through huge crowds of people staring at an empty road. Tensions flared and people moaned, it really was the true marriage of London and F1 that everyone was hoping for.

Trafalgar Sq itself had a stage, a bar, an opportunity to buy F1 merch and a heavy police in jumpsuits presence (part of the reason they only announced it the day before was to avert the threat of terrorism).

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There were big screens and a mini show where Jake Humphrey (Old F1 host on Sundays) and Rochelle Hume (one of The Saturdays) did some thirty second interviews with various F1 people, all so bland that this may as well have been called The F One Show.

Then a singer who did a song about taking gloves off and fire whilst a montage of drivers taking off their gloves and setting on fire played on the big screen (no, really).

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Eddie Jordan was up on the stairs outside the National Gallery interviewing K-Mag (who disappointingly did not say "Fuck this" again), Hulkenberg and Ocon - they all then together announced Bastille playing, despite the lack of a French GP this year. This event was fast becoming about incredibly short segments with long waits in between.

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Up the steps are a bunch of 2016 cars and the McLaren guy was allowing people to sit next to the car and have a picture taken. This caused a problem for me, I wanted to get a picture (embarassingly desperately) but that meant fighting the crowd to get noticed AND battling in front of cute children who clearly have more right than me, don't worry though, I got one.

Then off to Whitehall to try find a good spot (impossible) to watch the cars, luckily I'm tall but people had been camped out for hours so just had to put up glimpses of the cars through the crowd, whenever they would come... which would be ages away. More interviews with The Saturday and Sunday hosts and Brundle, Hill, Coulthard: the normal lot of F1 stars. Button did a bit, Alonso got a huge cheer.

At this point it seems fair to mention the Elephant in the Square, Lewis Hamilton was not there, when asked on stage Toto Wolff said he wanted to concentrate and focus on the British GP - this got boos from the crowd. Whichever way you look at it, it's a big miss for Brand Hamilton.

It was apparently great to see all these drivers up close, but really I just watched them on a giant screen.

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Rene Ar-WHOx?

The cars were firing up at last. Who will be the first driver to power down Whitehall to raise the flag on this new modern, forward facing media friendly F1? That's right RENE ARNOUX!

He drives down in the 1970-something Renault with a huge loud amazing sounding turbo engine. But Rene Fucking Arnoux? Longtime listeners of the podcast might balk at me saying this, but I think I'd have preferred Palmer.

Now the drivers came, one by one. Whizzing down Whitehall, doing a loop around the end then some doughnuts before repeating it all again then pitting.

The cars were of all different vintages with those weird F1 nerdy facts, that Vettel was driving the Ferrari that he beat Alonso with and Ricciardo driving Vettel's old Red Bull. But aside from the Turbo Renault and the iconic 1989 McLaren-Honda all were in 2016 liveries.

The difference in the engines sounds is quite startling when you're up close and the 2014 hybrid Williams really did sound like a dogs dinner being thrown up.

Then there's the unspoken truth, kinda gets a bit boring watching all these cars go one at a time with no real speed. And I was hungry, so we went to get some food before it finished.

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2017.09 - Austria

Don't It Make You Villeneuve

The hills are alive with the sound of Vettel moaning about other drivers again, shoey-gate hits a low point and Cheeka is educated about the one and only Stefan Dennis - yes, it's all the obvious talking points from the Austrian GP.

And bonus feature, for those who are Cheeka's age or younger, here is what all the fuss is about...

State of F1: CGI Stewart

Two things happened this weekend that pissed me right off about the state of f1 and if they get fixed I'll know liberty are on to a winner

First off there was the Bottas at the lights which reminded me that this red lights going out thing is nonsense. It should be red then green, I know it's because of reaction times and can see something going off quicker than coming on. But traffic lights, cartoons and computer games all have red to green. It's the will of the people. Also,clarification that Austria has an extra corner this year because reasons despite no actual track change, so what was corner two is now three, or one. No one cares. Numbering corners is THE WORST thing that has ever happened in f1. Circuits used to have inspirational and exciting names for corners, the tobacconists , maggots, the bus stop! Now it's just dreary numbers that make every circuit an identikit off the rack humdrumodrome. Ooh this turn three is like last weeks turn four, really? Fuck off.

Everything should be named and quick before sponsors get in on the action

And actually that's what annoyed me most this weekend. Heineken. Three things . Not only was there a terrible CGI Jackie Stewart advert in which they fail to make him look young next to some black and white Heineken bottles (as an aside, he's so wily im surprised in the 60s he didn't get footage of him with every possible brand for future advert rights). Anyway then we see him refusing a Heineken from a tray because he's driving but since when does he drive anywhere? It's stupid. Also the billboard that had a Heineken bottle appearing from the ground and making it look as though there was a rocket taking off every. Single. Lap. Impressive, great even, but terrible in a dull race because I kept thinking ooh a rockets taken off, that’ll liven things up.

And the helicopter looked terrifying.

Don't worry, I have a solution

Green lights, corner names, no stupid adverts. There you're done. You want more? Fans get to name the corners. I vote that at silver stone the first corner be renamed to k-mags fuckkk thisss

2017.08 - Azerbaijan

Baku Life, Baku Reality

Baku was all set to be dull as ditchwater, but then everything went fucking ridiculous. Cheeka, Phill and Terry look back at a topsy-turvey Azerbaijan Grand Prix and talk about Lance Stroll as F1's new saviour, Vettel as Satan himself and why Force India's new name is just as shit as the current one.

State of F1: Crime and Punishment

Sebastian Vettel did a naughty thing on Sunday - aside from the thousands of idiots on the internet who have a single jpeg between them that is not in doubt. But what should happen next? He’s off to a tribunal where they will decide if a ten second stop and go penalty is enough or whether he should have the book thrown at him, or rather whether they should take both hands off the book absolve all responsibility when it hits him.

He could be stripped of points from Baku, even given a race ban like what they used to in the old days. This is a close championship and, perhaps rightly, a lot of people will be pissed off if it’s decided by a points margin equalling the punishment. But then again is it acceptable to do something really fucking dangerous under safety car conditions when there are marshals on the track clearing up debris? Answer? Who fucking knows - like all what ifs the problem is there were no marshalls there and if there was then it probably wouldn’t have happened - it’s a silly argument. Also, it could have been worse, but wasn’t - if it had damaged Lewis’ car out of the race I’d imagine there would have been more uproar, but it didn’t.

In fact, if the headrest was on properly this would actually have less uproar. Swings, roundabouts and old metal scissors.

But here we are and what do we do? How do we punish Seb and why?

Don't worry, I have a solution

I know, you're expecting me to be all silly and say his ferrari at the next three races has to have “I’m an idiot” in giant letters, or he has to chauffeur lewis to an event or do a race with a honda engine. But I’m actually going to be semi serious here - we have a simple rule in FF1S, don’t be a dick. We hate Joyless Palmer not just becuase he’s terrible, there have been many terrible drivers, it’s because he’s so unwilling to accept the fact. We were not Alonso fans until he was in a shit car and got all sassy.

Whether a moment of hot headedness or a deep aggressive character flaw, what Vettel did on Sunday was a dick move, he then further compounded his dick by refusing to even admit he’d done anything wrong. If he’d apologised and said it was heat of the moment then fine. But he hasn’t so therefore the official FF1S proposed punishment is the strongest we can mete out: execution.

FF1S.17.07 - Canada

I Like Pert Nipples And I Cannot Lie

Stroll got points, Palmer didn't crash and Ferrari weren't competitive. It was all change in Canada, apart from at McLaren, where Honda were still shit. Cheeka, Phill and Terry analyse all the action from the Circuit Gilles Villeneuve, and also reflect on their own brush with greatness at the Motor Sport Hall of Fame.

State of F1: Honda (again)

Honda. Yes I know, we dealt with this a few months ago. Everyone got together and agreed that there was a way to fix this embarrassing and humiliating problem, that was for Honda to accept some external help and get the engine on the way to ok and then somehow not be last.

Everyone was on board, except it seems for Honda. The expected upgrade that was due at the Canadian gp didn't arrive and by the sounds of it they didn't tell McLaren. Eric bouiller had to stay in between the vague hours of 9-5 but the delivery didn't come and when he rang Honda they said we did, there was no one in. You know the drill.

But unlike Yodel, Honda didn't even fucking try. They have decided that actually it's more important to solve this problem on their own. Like this isn't a multimillion pound f1 Programme but me and my kitchen lights. I'll admit after a bit of youtubing and a terrifying moment when the wires in my ceiling were not the colors I was expecting I did manage to get the lights working. But, to exactly quite Mario Illien: IT'S A LITTLE MORE FUCKING COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

So now everyone is crying, Alonso says he's going to quit and go to Indy if McLaren can't win be September, stoffelrofl isn't doing great and frankly my beloved team is fucked. Thank you Honda.

Do I have a solution?

No, well yes and it's pull your finger out. But really what's the point. All I have is a plea.

F1 you can't allow Alonso to go to Indy. There's only one thing to do. At the last GP before September (Belgium by my reckoning) all the other cars have to stop so Fernando wins. Come on f1, you've done it before, at Indianapolis ironically. I'd say be dramatic and leave it to the last lap but there's pretty scant evidence a Honda can make it that far.

FF1S.17.06 - Monaco

Going Loco Down in Monaco-co

The Monaco GP came and went and bored us senseless like it always does. Cheeka, Phill and Terry ruminate on Monte Carlo and what we can do to make it more exciting. Clue: it involves plumbers.

Don't forget you can still enter our competition to win a day with Terry and Phill, watching the British Grand Prix (not at Silverstone - we're not made of money). Submit your 100 word story here: www.ff1s.com/story

FICS.17.01 INDY 500

Gentlemen, Blow Up Your Engines

The Indianapolis 500 was everything that Monaco wasn't: exciting, fast and with a Spaniard in it. Fernando Alonso braved the high speed oval in search of the triple crown, but Honda had other ideas. Cheeka, Phill and Terry dissect a different type of racing and try to make sense of it all.

State of F1: Moanaco

Let's face it, it's about time we all properly admitted it. Monaco is shit. Yes it's glamorous, yes swanky deals are done. But you can have glamour without a race and do the deals in a strip bar like any other self respecting businessman

This weekend there were two races, in Monaco nothing happened until Button tried to do a challenge from Record Breakers on wehrlein “How far can you push someone on two wheels - here’s Kris Akabusi” and then there was Indy, where arguably too much happens all the time, apart from when it doesn’t.

But, they say, Monte Carlo is the jewel in the crown of f1. And like a jewel, it looks pretty, costs a lot, is mostly associated by fat balding men (Hi, Prince Rainier!), and basically does nothing of any use.

It's the total failure of this years f1 redesign where tyres are fat, the cars are wider and harder to drive and yet no one bins it into the barriers.

Moanaco - as I’ll call it from now on, or Moan-ar-co if you’re Stirling Moss only works if it rains or if a series of drivers connect with the armco.

What kind of damning indictment of F1 is it that both Stroll AND Palmer manage to complete the race without once losing a wheel? Pathetic.

What’s worse is it’s one of the races that “non fans” watch because it’s so famous. So every year we’ll have some people thinking - I’ll give this a go - only to watch an hour and a half of tedium

Don't worry, I have a solution

Two words. Mario. Kart. If we can’t get rid of Monaco because of it’s significance then we have to make it more exciting. Let’s have the barriers gently sweeping in and out of the track, remove that pesky wall next to the harbour and if you fall in have a special bonus level underwater where you can earn gold stars.

I’m not really advocating giant missiles to race around the track but if we have DRS and Formula E’s fanboost already then we may as well go the whole hog and have a special weapon button that drivers can press to cause the other car to slow down (sponsored by Honda) or reverse steering or anything fun.

This isn’t for every race because most of the other are actually quite good. But if monaco looks dull, bring out Mario!

State of Indycar: Indy 500

Look, I'm going to square with you I don't know much about Indy, I'm an f1 fan who, I'll be honest, always thought that Indy was actually piss easy and driven mainly by failed drivers who couldn't do well in f1

Then Takuma Sato won and proved me right.

But seriously. We need to look at the race and see what makes it better than f1, steal the best bits then point and laugh at those silly stuck in their ways Americans.

Firstly the pageantry. The traditions and weird shit that on Britain we have no idea about, mainly because of bt sports coverage which was like watching three accountants all agree on a minor point on accounting for three hours.

But the milk, the military shit, the flypast, the kiss from the Indy princess. Hang on a minute. What the fuck what that, it was like being at some village fete where suddenly the mayor comes into the MORRIS dance all blacked up and people just say that was traditional.

But what do any f1 races have? Get the drivers to stand in a line for the anthem and if you're in Abu Dhabi have a giant fucking plane fly over. The tv coverage doesn't even give lip service to events on the ground in f1 unless you count David coulthard trying to dry hump everyone on the grid.

The race is fast, the sound is blissful the crashes are spectacular and the camera angles, long a bug bear of mine, make the cars look terrifying. There's visor cams. VISOR CAMS and everyone looks as if they're enjoying themselves

What do we get? That sweeping shot where it looks like everyone is doing 20mph, a few slow mo wobble shots (which are so so fucking dull)

And then there's the pit stops. Two blokes doing all the tyres then just flinging the gun away. Won't that break it? Look after your toys! And zero urgency. I'm only annoyed that Mclaren couldn't find it in the rules to bring a full f1 pit team to show how it's done.

AND RACE OFF PIT ROAD ISNT A FUCKING THING

While I'm at it, this silly 'safe' rule about overtaking. It's so English. Excuse Me dear boy, I'm going to overtake you now. Please do!

There's so much skill in 230mph oval racing and when it goes wrong it really does but just having this unable to defend shit is what makes me think it's piss easy.

But don't worry, I have a solution

Look, Indy is indy. It's had its ups and downs but it's got in place in history and f1 shouldn't fight it. I can't ever imagine having an Indy team come to f1. The cars can't be designed for one race and the egos wouldn't allow rebadged existing teams. But Mclaren and Alonso have shown it can go the other way. And I think the FIA should work to make this happen. Maybe not as far as making it an f1 race again but at least free up some of May for those that want to.

Or bring back an Indianapolis GP. Have it run the week after. Or wait. Run it with f1 cars at the same time. The f1 lot have to do the tricky infield whilst the others go round the oval. Jesus Christ I've done it again.

FF1S.17.500 BONUS EPISODE

For Indycar's Sake

It's the FF1S guide to the Indy 500! Cheeka, Phill and Terry won't let a lack of knowledge stop them from bringing you everything you need to know about America's biggest race. With Fernando Alonso taking part in the 2017 edition, it's sure to bring in plenty of F1 newbies, and this podcast brings you FACTS aplenty about milk, face sculpting and why it's basically the USA's version of the Great British Bake Off.

FF1S.17.05 Spain

Don't Cry For Me, Tiny French Kid

Cool overtakes, flaming engines and a squealing child: yes, the Spanish Grand Prix had it all. Cheeka, Phill and Terry review the best race of the season so far, in the State Of F1 we consider if F1 should have the NASCAR model of open scrutiny and we launch the greatest competition EVER.

State of F1: Peeping Tom

Ross Brawn has hinted that a more open future for F1 by adopting a NASCAR style model of open scrutiny. At given intervals throughout the season the teams will have to open up their cars and other teams are allowed to poke about and see the magical hidden bits. This means that a Force India can copy a Mercedes widget fairly and the big money teams don’t have a massive advantage.

Of course the big teams (cough, Mercedes) will be against this as anything that diminishes their advantage is obviously terrible, and wait Ferrari are storming out the sport again until Chase Carey starts crying and then gets to meet Kimi Raikkonen.

But, like every State of F1 we have to deal with the fundamental question of what the hell is F1 anyway. Is it to be the best of the best, with teams putting screens up around their test cars like an arm wrapped round your desk in an exam. Or is it about competition and that if you’re truly the best you’ll always be one step ahead of the rest. Either way it’s a rule that will appeal to the have nots and horrify the haves. How do we square this circle?

Don't worry, I have a solution

As ever, these wishy washy debates never go far enough. I say if we’re going to take rules from fucking NASCAR let’s go the whole hog and bring in the running Le Mans style starts, only with all the pieces from all the cars all over the road. Whoever can pick up enough bits and bolt them on quickest gets to go first. The cars will be all different colours and it won’t only be about driving skill but also how many episodes of scrapheap challenge you’ve watched. Win win.

FF1S.17.04 Russia

Time to Palm(er) Him Off

A vintage race at an amazing track - terms no one used to describe the snore-inducing Russian Grand Prix. Undaunted, Cheeka, Phill and Terry reflect on the goings-on - or lack thereof - in Sochi and continue to slate Jolyon Palmer, because he's just making it so easy for us.

State of F1: Shield my eyes

Goodbye Halo, now we have a shield - essentially that bit of transparent lego that ends up buried in the carpet waiting for the soft flesh of a parent’s foot.

This is the first sign of weakness from Liberty Media, by allowing a third option for head protection to just be mandated without any flair or discussion is exactly the Bernie way of doing things.

And it’s such an awful compromise, its basically just a big helmet visor in front of the helmet and its own tiny visor.

This week the powers that be have mandated that numbers and driver names have to be massive on the cars, why not go the whole hog and just mandate the helmets to be fucking huge to fit the new shield visor?

But to solve this problem (which I will) we need to work out exactly what the problem is. The definition of F1 is down to two things, Open cockpit and open wheels. What does this mean really? That there’s not a big bubble over the driver or a tin roof, because otherwise how will you know it’s an F1 car? Well if having your head waggling about just asking for debris to hit it is so fucking important then why bother with a fucking helmet at all? How many of the current f1 drivers would opt to not wear a helmet if they didn’t have to? None of them thats who. So quit whining about how some plastic protection looks silly and man up and use an open face helmet made of leather like what drivers used to wear.

The other problem with open cockpits is it’s a nightmare for aerodynamicists who hate having the driver bobbing around ruining their precious airflow. This is the biggest argument against head protection yet, as anything to piss off aerodynamicists is worth it, as it’s been proven time and time again that they fuck everything up.

Don't worry, I have a solution

Sometimes to look forward we must first look back. How do we solve the problems of necessary head protection and also doing a fuck you to the aero people? Pill boxes. Like what was used in the war, I propose the cockpit being covered in a massive perspex dome, but in the most aero unfriendly shape possible, and to keep the ethos of open cockpit racing there will be a large eye slit in the front. The wind will still hit the driver and it will further screw up the aero. On top of this the cockpit cover will be so strong we won’t need helmets so we can see the drivers heads, just like I’ve always wanted. And if the wind going through the hole is too much then they can just wear a visor.

Or lasers, tiny lasers that zap debris that comes close. Shit that’s a great idea. No helmet or cockpit cover, just one of those purple lights you used to get in chip shops that zaps flies, but modify it to zap carbon fibre shards and gravel.

FF1S.17.03.Bahrain

Indy Go Go

Merc screw up, Ferrari don't screw up, and Alonso's off to Indianapolis. Cheeka, Phill and Terry reflect on the dash in the desert that was the Bahraini Grand Prix, and ponder the recent outbreak of fertility in the paddock.

The State of F1: Indy500

Ok, let’s get the obvious stuff out of the way first - last week I did a State of F1 all about what Fernando Alonso should do next. The point of my State of F1’s is to propose a real life F1 problem and then a silly unworkable and totally unbelievable solution. I’m gutted to say that not even I thought he would be off to do the Indy500.

This is a test for Liberty Media - perhaps their first big one. Bernie has said he wouldn’t have let him go and surely if this had happened last year MR E would have meted out some punishment of sorts for DARING to do anything that isn’t F1. In fact the Monaco GP weekend is scheduled where it is precisely to prevent this kind of behaviour.

But we have a new order - an Alonso in an unwinnable car and a great story for F1. How are they going to get the most out of this?

Firstly, the broadcasting rights are all over the shop. In the UK alone we have the Monaco GP on Sky and Channel 4 but the indycar racing is on BT Sport. I honestly don’t know how to fix this - most likely huge amounts of money but the indy500 has to be viewable by everyone who just watched the Monaco GP. Channel4 can link to a special free presented by BT thing, they can make a whole new channel. Anything! This is basically like Live Aid for motorsport. Bob Geldof needs to be swearing on breakfast television in the morning to get this deal made.

How well will he do? Alonso is a fantastic driver, but the indy500 is fucking terrifying. Like shit yourself crazy - its really dangerous, and they won’t want him to come and win and make it look easy and F1 has a habit of showing the world how piss easy indycar is. Nigel Mansell walked the floor with them, they’re not going to want a repeat of that.

Could he get the triple? Only Graham Hill has won the Monaco GP, Le Mans and the Indy500. If alonso doesn’t win at indy when will he have another go? What if the McLaren is good next year?

Button is back, he's not going to do any testing because really why waste a day when he's likely to retire within a couple of laps. It's a shame there couldn't be some kind of indycar exchange Programme but who really would want to pass up the 500 in order to get a terrible car at an unforgiving circuit?

Don't worry, I have a solution

Well it's not a solution this week. It's a debate. A wishlist of what could be. Let me dream

what I really want, and have always wanted is A true cross promotion of the heroes of the various Motorsport classes around the world. Why not have a top Indy driver do a couple of f1 races, an f1 team entering a car for Le Mans? Why can't they get half the field over to Indy next year? Make it an official f1 championship race. Even bring good tyres this time

The race of champions is a great one off if niche sexy neck hurting event. What if the rest of Motorsport could be like this for key races in each series. F1 drivers at the Indy500, indy and LMP drivers at the British Grand Prix? Joyless Palmer being last at a motogp race? Let's make this new world. Give me your fucking drivers!

The State of F1: Alonso

Terry's State of F1 is normally a serious look at a problem in F1 with a silly solution, for the Chinese GP episode he looked at the situation with Alonso and McLaren, unfortunately not even in his imagination did he think Fernando would fuck off and do the Indy500.

When in 2015 Mclaren took the brave step to power their F1 cars with nostalgia no one knew just how terrible it would be.

1989! They shouted, we thought that was a reference to the glory years when in fact it's the average gap in seconds to the Mercedes. Honda! They cried, before they actually started to cry. Alonso! The double world champ who gave McLaren a shitty year the first time round and exactly no world championships.

Everything was set for the utter disaster it’s turned out to be. Honda have learned nothing, Alonso is openly advertising his services and yet they still believe they are the best team in the world. As do I. Writing from Italy right now, McLaren’s demise hurts.

But lets focus on Alonso. Like Williams, McLaren can probably Chumbawhumba their way around for another decade or so before magicking it all back, but Alonso is very much on his way out of F1.

Whether it’s zero years or five the man who won the 2005 and 2006 championships has never looked further away from becoming a hat-tricker.

Why?

Well, let’s be honest, he’s a bit of a dick. But rightly so. He wrestled the Minardi in his first F1 season to incredible results, won two championships with Renault and then moved to McLaren for a glory year that Lewis Hamilton ruined and Alonso sulked.

Then he went back to Renault, tail between his legs and was absolutely not involved took part in the crashgate cheating scandal, allegedly. In 2008 his car was rubbish and he sulked

Then he signed with Ferrari, had a couple of good years but ultimately never won the championship, and then sulking in public because the team were shit.

Now back to McLaren where he started sulking almost on day one and hasn’t quit since.

So where is left for him to go? Nowhere, Mercedes had the chance to get him but chose not to, Ferrari own’t have him back, surely he can’t go to Renault AGAIN? Haas is backed by Ferrari, Red Bull have never been interested and Williams already have a failed Ferrari driver in their midst.

He’s staying with McLaren because no one else will have him. And to be honest, that’s terrible for F1.

But don’t worry, I have a solution

He should quit, like yesterday. He should go away for a year, get fit, have some plastic surgery curl his hair and disappear. Coincidentally next year Mercedes will make a shock signing of a new driver with curly hair called, I don’t know, Michael Knight. Michael will be the first driver unable to speak thanks to a childhood trauma and therefore not wont to piss everyone off. Job done.