State of F1: aero (not very) dynamic

New rules, fat tyres, low wings, most of the penis noses and Bernie gone. It's a new dawn for f1 hallelujah. What? Don't mention that the race was pretty dull? But it can't be! Only it was. Despite everything, the Australian GP was a snooze fest of cars stuck behind other cars and unable to overtake. A problem that is so uniquely f1. Imagine a football match where the players can't actually shoot at the goal. It's all down to aerodynamics, a purposefully confusing technology that you can't see but makes f1 shit.

Now I know that sounds like an astute summary of the 2018 Australian Grand Prix but that is actually word for word the start of my State of F1 after last years race. And if I, a professional idiot can so brilliantly summarise what’s wrong with F1 why isn’t it fixed yet?

But Terry wait (not the hostage) they added a 3rd DRS zone this year - that must have done something? They may as well have had a bloke with a megaphone seconded from a peddalo pond screaming ‘come on number 5, let him through’

Ross Brawn has this week said that overtaking needs fixing and it’ll probably happen in 2021 if teams agree to it and, you know, as long as everyone is happy and it doesn’t cost too much and FUCK THIS

Don't worry, I have a solution

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STOP BEING SO COMPLICATED. F1 is the pinnacle of everything except making sense. The other day some old F1 themed instagram account posted a picture of a Ferrari F1 car from 1989. The front wing was a straight line. Then I saw a picture of the 2008 McLaren which looked as if Optimus Prime had had tepid water sprayed into his mouth for so long he threw up aerodynamic flicks everywhere. This years cars are closer to 2008 that 1989. When they launched my heart sank, aerodynamicists will put their crap everywhere if you let them. They don’t see in colour they see in vortexes and flo-viz.

The McLaren MP4-23, still 🔥 #McLaren #F1 #F12008 #MP423

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The solution is obviously simple, tone down the aero, reduce the reliance on clean air and F1 will get better. But this has been known for years and is impossible to fix, so the next simplest option is clearly to change the laws of physics. Make gravity go sideways, bin all that equal and opposite reaction shit and make it really funky. Why did Stephen Hawking have to die?

The State of F1: Aero

New rules, fat tyres, low wings, most of the penis noses and Bernie gone. It's a new dawn for f1 hallelujah. What? Don't mention that the race was pretty dull? But it can't be!

Only it was. Despite everything the Australian GP was a snooze fest of cars stuck behind other cars and unable to overtake. A problem that is so uniquely f1. Imagine a football match where the players can't actually shoot at the goal.

It's all down to aerodynamics, a purposefully confusing technology that you can't see but makes f1 shit. Let me summarize. A car hits air and the aerodynamics of the front wing reshape the air to push down all over the car before farting it all out of the back. This air is now dirty, used and a car too close behind won't be able to utilize these sloppy seconds and so have to back off to get some more of the good stuff.

Still not getting it? Right, the other week I had a meeting and as I got off the tube I realised I needed to poop real bad. I’ve got a kind of IBS and if I don’t poop soon there's a chance I will shit himself. Not saying this has happened before. But I'm also not saying it hasn't.

The only toilet I could find was at Macdonald's and here is where the analogy comes into play. If I had been the first person at Maccy D’s that day I would have found a pristine bog, freshly cleaned and with replenished tissues and soap.

Whereas I was Lewis Hamilton stuck waiting for Verstappen to finish up in there. When he left there was fresh piss all over the seat. The toilet itself was full of shitty tissue and EVERYTHING was wet. My engineer was saying this was poop critical and I had to reply “There’s no way I get past this mess”

Although unlike Hamilton, I did manage to shit. Just saying.

But don’t worry, I have a solution

There are two solutions to this problem, one easy and one hard. The easy problem is to make front wings less complicated. But seeing as F1 has a permanent boner for flaps and elements we’ll have to go with option two. Air cleaners.

At the back of the rear wing will be some FIA mandated apparatus that resets the air, like a diffuser it straightens all the vortices and twiddly bits out and makes everything smooth and not covered in piss. This means a car behind will be able to get right up close. Job done. Yes you could moan that this apparatus would be unwieldy and look ugly. But I just say to you: shark fins, cock noses and Ralf Schumacher.