Formula One only has itself to blame
Everyone’s second favourite F1 podcast.
Stroll got points, Palmer didn't crash and Ferrari weren't competitive. It was all change in Canada, apart from at McLaren, where Honda were still shit. Cheeka, Phill and Terry analyse all the action from the Circuit Gilles Villeneuve, and also reflect on their own brush with greatness at the Motor Sport Hall of Fame.
Honda. Yes I know, we dealt with this a few months ago. Everyone got together and agreed that there was a way to fix this embarrassing and humiliating problem, that was for Honda to accept some external help and get the engine on the way to ok and then somehow not be last.
Everyone was on board, except it seems for Honda. The expected upgrade that was due at the Canadian gp didn't arrive and by the sounds of it they didn't tell McLaren. Eric bouiller had to stay in between the vague hours of 9-5 but the delivery didn't come and when he rang Honda they said we did, there was no one in. You know the drill.
But unlike Yodel, Honda didn't even fucking try. They have decided that actually it's more important to solve this problem on their own. Like this isn't a multimillion pound f1 Programme but me and my kitchen lights. I'll admit after a bit of youtubing and a terrifying moment when the wires in my ceiling were not the colors I was expecting I did manage to get the lights working. But, to exactly quite Mario Illien: IT'S A LITTLE MORE FUCKING COMPLICATED THAN THAT.
So now everyone is crying, Alonso says he's going to quit and go to Indy if McLaren can't win be September, stoffelrofl isn't doing great and frankly my beloved team is fucked. Thank you Honda.
No, well yes and it's pull your finger out. But really what's the point. All I have is a plea.
F1 you can't allow Alonso to go to Indy. There's only one thing to do. At the last GP before September (Belgium by my reckoning) all the other cars have to stop so Fernando wins. Come on f1, you've done it before, at Indianapolis ironically. I'd say be dramatic and leave it to the last lap but there's pretty scant evidence a Honda can make it that far.
The Monaco GP came and went and bored us senseless like it always does. Cheeka, Phill and Terry ruminate on Monte Carlo and what we can do to make it more exciting. Clue: it involves plumbers.
Don't forget you can still enter our competition to win a day with Terry and Phill, watching the British Grand Prix (not at Silverstone - we're not made of money). Submit your 100 word story here: www.ff1s.com/story
The Indianapolis 500 was everything that Monaco wasn't: exciting, fast and with a Spaniard in it. Fernando Alonso braved the high speed oval in search of the triple crown, but Honda had other ideas. Cheeka, Phill and Terry dissect a different type of racing and try to make sense of it all.
Let's face it, it's about time we all properly admitted it. Monaco is shit. Yes it's glamorous, yes swanky deals are done. But you can have glamour without a race and do the deals in a strip bar like any other self respecting businessman
This weekend there were two races, in Monaco nothing happened until Button tried to do a challenge from Record Breakers on wehrlein “How far can you push someone on two wheels - here’s Kris Akabusi” and then there was Indy, where arguably too much happens all the time, apart from when it doesn’t.
But, they say, Monte Carlo is the jewel in the crown of f1. And like a jewel, it looks pretty, costs a lot, is mostly associated by fat balding men (Hi, Prince Rainier!), and basically does nothing of any use.
It's the total failure of this years f1 redesign where tyres are fat, the cars are wider and harder to drive and yet no one bins it into the barriers.
Moanaco - as I’ll call it from now on, or Moan-ar-co if you’re Stirling Moss only works if it rains or if a series of drivers connect with the armco.
What kind of damning indictment of F1 is it that both Stroll AND Palmer manage to complete the race without once losing a wheel? Pathetic.
What’s worse is it’s one of the races that “non fans” watch because it’s so famous. So every year we’ll have some people thinking - I’ll give this a go - only to watch an hour and a half of tedium
Two words. Mario. Kart. If we can’t get rid of Monaco because of it’s significance then we have to make it more exciting. Let’s have the barriers gently sweeping in and out of the track, remove that pesky wall next to the harbour and if you fall in have a special bonus level underwater where you can earn gold stars.
I’m not really advocating giant missiles to race around the track but if we have DRS and Formula E’s fanboost already then we may as well go the whole hog and have a special weapon button that drivers can press to cause the other car to slow down (sponsored by Honda) or reverse steering or anything fun.
This isn’t for every race because most of the other are actually quite good. But if monaco looks dull, bring out Mario!
Look, I'm going to square with you I don't know much about Indy, I'm an f1 fan who, I'll be honest, always thought that Indy was actually piss easy and driven mainly by failed drivers who couldn't do well in f1
Then Takuma Sato won and proved me right.
But seriously. We need to look at the race and see what makes it better than f1, steal the best bits then point and laugh at those silly stuck in their ways Americans.
Firstly the pageantry. The traditions and weird shit that on Britain we have no idea about, mainly because of bt sports coverage which was like watching three accountants all agree on a minor point on accounting for three hours.
But the milk, the military shit, the flypast, the kiss from the Indy princess. Hang on a minute. What the fuck what that, it was like being at some village fete where suddenly the mayor comes into the MORRIS dance all blacked up and people just say that was traditional.
But what do any f1 races have? Get the drivers to stand in a line for the anthem and if you're in Abu Dhabi have a giant fucking plane fly over. The tv coverage doesn't even give lip service to events on the ground in f1 unless you count David coulthard trying to dry hump everyone on the grid.
The race is fast, the sound is blissful the crashes are spectacular and the camera angles, long a bug bear of mine, make the cars look terrifying. There's visor cams. VISOR CAMS and everyone looks as if they're enjoying themselves
What do we get? That sweeping shot where it looks like everyone is doing 20mph, a few slow mo wobble shots (which are so so fucking dull)
And then there's the pit stops. Two blokes doing all the tyres then just flinging the gun away. Won't that break it? Look after your toys! And zero urgency. I'm only annoyed that Mclaren couldn't find it in the rules to bring a full f1 pit team to show how it's done.
AND RACE OFF PIT ROAD ISNT A FUCKING THING
While I'm at it, this silly 'safe' rule about overtaking. It's so English. Excuse Me dear boy, I'm going to overtake you now. Please do!
There's so much skill in 230mph oval racing and when it goes wrong it really does but just having this unable to defend shit is what makes me think it's piss easy.
Look, Indy is indy. It's had its ups and downs but it's got in place in history and f1 shouldn't fight it. I can't ever imagine having an Indy team come to f1. The cars can't be designed for one race and the egos wouldn't allow rebadged existing teams. But Mclaren and Alonso have shown it can go the other way. And I think the FIA should work to make this happen. Maybe not as far as making it an f1 race again but at least free up some of May for those that want to.
Or bring back an Indianapolis GP. Have it run the week after. Or wait. Run it with f1 cars at the same time. The f1 lot have to do the tricky infield whilst the others go round the oval. Jesus Christ I've done it again.
It's the FF1S guide to the Indy 500! Cheeka, Phill and Terry won't let a lack of knowledge stop them from bringing you everything you need to know about America's biggest race. With Fernando Alonso taking part in the 2017 edition, it's sure to bring in plenty of F1 newbies, and this podcast brings you FACTS aplenty about milk, face sculpting and why it's basically the USA's version of the Great British Bake Off.
Cool overtakes, flaming engines and a squealing child: yes, the Spanish Grand Prix had it all. Cheeka, Phill and Terry review the best race of the season so far, in the State Of F1 we consider if F1 should have the NASCAR model of open scrutiny and we launch the greatest competition EVER.
Ross Brawn has hinted that a more open future for F1 by adopting a NASCAR style model of open scrutiny. At given intervals throughout the season the teams will have to open up their cars and other teams are allowed to poke about and see the magical hidden bits. This means that a Force India can copy a Mercedes widget fairly and the big money teams don’t have a massive advantage.
Of course the big teams (cough, Mercedes) will be against this as anything that diminishes their advantage is obviously terrible, and wait Ferrari are storming out the sport again until Chase Carey starts crying and then gets to meet Kimi Raikkonen.
But, like every State of F1 we have to deal with the fundamental question of what the hell is F1 anyway. Is it to be the best of the best, with teams putting screens up around their test cars like an arm wrapped round your desk in an exam. Or is it about competition and that if you’re truly the best you’ll always be one step ahead of the rest. Either way it’s a rule that will appeal to the have nots and horrify the haves. How do we square this circle?
Don't worry, I have a solution
As ever, these wishy washy debates never go far enough. I say if we’re going to take rules from fucking NASCAR let’s go the whole hog and bring in the running Le Mans style starts, only with all the pieces from all the cars all over the road. Whoever can pick up enough bits and bolt them on quickest gets to go first. The cars will be all different colours and it won’t only be about driving skill but also how many episodes of scrapheap challenge you’ve watched. Win win.
A vintage race at an amazing track - terms no one used to describe the snore-inducing Russian Grand Prix. Undaunted, Cheeka, Phill and Terry reflect on the goings-on - or lack thereof - in Sochi and continue to slate Jolyon Palmer, because he's just making it so easy for us.
Goodbye Halo, now we have a shield - essentially that bit of transparent lego that ends up buried in the carpet waiting for the soft flesh of a parent’s foot.
This is the first sign of weakness from Liberty Media, by allowing a third option for head protection to just be mandated without any flair or discussion is exactly the Bernie way of doing things.
And it’s such an awful compromise, its basically just a big helmet visor in front of the helmet and its own tiny visor.
This week the powers that be have mandated that numbers and driver names have to be massive on the cars, why not go the whole hog and just mandate the helmets to be fucking huge to fit the new shield visor?
But to solve this problem (which I will) we need to work out exactly what the problem is. The definition of F1 is down to two things, Open cockpit and open wheels. What does this mean really? That there’s not a big bubble over the driver or a tin roof, because otherwise how will you know it’s an F1 car? Well if having your head waggling about just asking for debris to hit it is so fucking important then why bother with a fucking helmet at all? How many of the current f1 drivers would opt to not wear a helmet if they didn’t have to? None of them thats who. So quit whining about how some plastic protection looks silly and man up and use an open face helmet made of leather like what drivers used to wear.
The other problem with open cockpits is it’s a nightmare for aerodynamicists who hate having the driver bobbing around ruining their precious airflow. This is the biggest argument against head protection yet, as anything to piss off aerodynamicists is worth it, as it’s been proven time and time again that they fuck everything up.
Sometimes to look forward we must first look back. How do we solve the problems of necessary head protection and also doing a fuck you to the aero people? Pill boxes. Like what was used in the war, I propose the cockpit being covered in a massive perspex dome, but in the most aero unfriendly shape possible, and to keep the ethos of open cockpit racing there will be a large eye slit in the front. The wind will still hit the driver and it will further screw up the aero. On top of this the cockpit cover will be so strong we won’t need helmets so we can see the drivers heads, just like I’ve always wanted. And if the wind going through the hole is too much then they can just wear a visor.
Or lasers, tiny lasers that zap debris that comes close. Shit that’s a great idea. No helmet or cockpit cover, just one of those purple lights you used to get in chip shops that zaps flies, but modify it to zap carbon fibre shards and gravel.
Merc screw up, Ferrari don't screw up, and Alonso's off to Indianapolis. Cheeka, Phill and Terry reflect on the dash in the desert that was the Bahraini Grand Prix, and ponder the recent outbreak of fertility in the paddock.
Ok, let’s get the obvious stuff out of the way first - last week I did a State of F1 all about what Fernando Alonso should do next. The point of my State of F1’s is to propose a real life F1 problem and then a silly unworkable and totally unbelievable solution. I’m gutted to say that not even I thought he would be off to do the Indy500.
This is a test for Liberty Media - perhaps their first big one. Bernie has said he wouldn’t have let him go and surely if this had happened last year MR E would have meted out some punishment of sorts for DARING to do anything that isn’t F1. In fact the Monaco GP weekend is scheduled where it is precisely to prevent this kind of behaviour.
But we have a new order - an Alonso in an unwinnable car and a great story for F1. How are they going to get the most out of this?
Firstly, the broadcasting rights are all over the shop. In the UK alone we have the Monaco GP on Sky and Channel 4 but the indycar racing is on BT Sport. I honestly don’t know how to fix this - most likely huge amounts of money but the indy500 has to be viewable by everyone who just watched the Monaco GP. Channel4 can link to a special free presented by BT thing, they can make a whole new channel. Anything! This is basically like Live Aid for motorsport. Bob Geldof needs to be swearing on breakfast television in the morning to get this deal made.
How well will he do? Alonso is a fantastic driver, but the indy500 is fucking terrifying. Like shit yourself crazy - its really dangerous, and they won’t want him to come and win and make it look easy and F1 has a habit of showing the world how piss easy indycar is. Nigel Mansell walked the floor with them, they’re not going to want a repeat of that.
Could he get the triple? Only Graham Hill has won the Monaco GP, Le Mans and the Indy500. If alonso doesn’t win at indy when will he have another go? What if the McLaren is good next year?
Button is back, he's not going to do any testing because really why waste a day when he's likely to retire within a couple of laps. It's a shame there couldn't be some kind of indycar exchange Programme but who really would want to pass up the 500 in order to get a terrible car at an unforgiving circuit?
Well it's not a solution this week. It's a debate. A wishlist of what could be. Let me dream
what I really want, and have always wanted is A true cross promotion of the heroes of the various Motorsport classes around the world. Why not have a top Indy driver do a couple of f1 races, an f1 team entering a car for Le Mans? Why can't they get half the field over to Indy next year? Make it an official f1 championship race. Even bring good tyres this time
The race of champions is a great one off if niche sexy neck hurting event. What if the rest of Motorsport could be like this for key races in each series. F1 drivers at the Indy500, indy and LMP drivers at the British Grand Prix? Joyless Palmer being last at a motogp race? Let's make this new world. Give me your fucking drivers!
Terry's State of F1 is normally a serious look at a problem in F1 with a silly solution, for the Chinese GP episode he looked at the situation with Alonso and McLaren, unfortunately not even in his imagination did he think Fernando would fuck off and do the Indy500.
When in 2015 Mclaren took the brave step to power their F1 cars with nostalgia no one knew just how terrible it would be.
1989! They shouted, we thought that was a reference to the glory years when in fact it's the average gap in seconds to the Mercedes. Honda! They cried, before they actually started to cry. Alonso! The double world champ who gave McLaren a shitty year the first time round and exactly no world championships.
Everything was set for the utter disaster it’s turned out to be. Honda have learned nothing, Alonso is openly advertising his services and yet they still believe they are the best team in the world. As do I. Writing from Italy right now, McLaren’s demise hurts.
But lets focus on Alonso. Like Williams, McLaren can probably Chumbawhumba their way around for another decade or so before magicking it all back, but Alonso is very much on his way out of F1.
Whether it’s zero years or five the man who won the 2005 and 2006 championships has never looked further away from becoming a hat-tricker.
Why?
Well, let’s be honest, he’s a bit of a dick. But rightly so. He wrestled the Minardi in his first F1 season to incredible results, won two championships with Renault and then moved to McLaren for a glory year that Lewis Hamilton ruined and Alonso sulked.
Then he went back to Renault, tail between his legs and was absolutely not involved took part in the crashgate cheating scandal, allegedly. In 2008 his car was rubbish and he sulked
Then he signed with Ferrari, had a couple of good years but ultimately never won the championship, and then sulking in public because the team were shit.
Now back to McLaren where he started sulking almost on day one and hasn’t quit since.
So where is left for him to go? Nowhere, Mercedes had the chance to get him but chose not to, Ferrari own’t have him back, surely he can’t go to Renault AGAIN? Haas is backed by Ferrari, Red Bull have never been interested and Williams already have a failed Ferrari driver in their midst.
He’s staying with McLaren because no one else will have him. And to be honest, that’s terrible for F1.
He should quit, like yesterday. He should go away for a year, get fit, have some plastic surgery curl his hair and disappear. Coincidentally next year Mercedes will make a shock signing of a new driver with curly hair called, I don’t know, Michael Knight. Michael will be the first driver unable to speak thanks to a childhood trauma and therefore not wont to piss everyone off. Job done.
Being in different countries won't stop Cheeka, Phill and Terry from analysing the Chinese Grand Prix. Straight line crashes, substandard team mates and mystery bubble wrap popping are all subject to scrutiny, using the power of the internet. Plus all the usual nonsense.
Here is Terry next to a giant frying pan
The Australian Grand Prix was a race that will stick long in the memory, or possibly will be forgotten by China. The ins and outs of Albert Park's snoozefest are expertly dissected and mocked by Phill, Terry and Not Cheeka - she's on holiday, so Ollie Peart steps ably into her tiny shoes.
New rules, fat tyres, low wings, most of the penis noses and Bernie gone. It's a new dawn for f1 hallelujah. What? Don't mention that the race was pretty dull? But it can't be!
Only it was. Despite everything the Australian GP was a snooze fest of cars stuck behind other cars and unable to overtake. A problem that is so uniquely f1. Imagine a football match where the players can't actually shoot at the goal.
It's all down to aerodynamics, a purposefully confusing technology that you can't see but makes f1 shit. Let me summarize. A car hits air and the aerodynamics of the front wing reshape the air to push down all over the car before farting it all out of the back. This air is now dirty, used and a car too close behind won't be able to utilize these sloppy seconds and so have to back off to get some more of the good stuff.
Still not getting it? Right, the other week I had a meeting and as I got off the tube I realised I needed to poop real bad. I’ve got a kind of IBS and if I don’t poop soon there's a chance I will shit himself. Not saying this has happened before. But I'm also not saying it hasn't.
The only toilet I could find was at Macdonald's and here is where the analogy comes into play. If I had been the first person at Maccy D’s that day I would have found a pristine bog, freshly cleaned and with replenished tissues and soap.
Whereas I was Lewis Hamilton stuck waiting for Verstappen to finish up in there. When he left there was fresh piss all over the seat. The toilet itself was full of shitty tissue and EVERYTHING was wet. My engineer was saying this was poop critical and I had to reply “There’s no way I get past this mess”
Although unlike Hamilton, I did manage to shit. Just saying.
There are two solutions to this problem, one easy and one hard. The easy problem is to make front wings less complicated. But seeing as F1 has a permanent boner for flaps and elements we’ll have to go with option two. Air cleaners.
At the back of the rear wing will be some FIA mandated apparatus that resets the air, like a diffuser it straightens all the vortices and twiddly bits out and makes everything smooth and not covered in piss. This means a car behind will be able to get right up close. Job done. Yes you could moan that this apparatus would be unwieldy and look ugly. But I just say to you: shark fins, cock noses and Ralf Schumacher.
It's the FF1S post-testing pre-season review preview show! Cheeka, Phill and Terry look back at all the action from Barcelona, and all the inaction at McLaren. Plus, who wants to play some fantasy F1? You, that's who.
Last week I, like an avid boring fan of F1, have been watching the testing. Or not watching it as you can’t watch it unless you’re there. Instead I've been using the internet to read along. And with this comes a problem…
Twitter. The curse of companies using twitter, especially companies like F1 teams that mainly comprise of old men, is that they tend to hire in a millennial who has done a BTEC in social media and so sits there in the Media Centres of the world (probably sitting backwards on the chair there too!) and tweet away.
As no one else at a Grand Prix is under 60 all the twitter darlings befriend each other and get all close and probably have sex.
My point is that then when the next day of testing happens they are all really pally and doing lots of jokes with the other teams, or rather that guy who does the twitter for the other team.
What's wrong with this? All the conviviality flies in the face of the personas the teams have crafted over the years. I want to imagine that the cars themselves are tweeting and they all HATE each other.
So I have crafted a set of social media profile templates for each team.
Business like, each tweet ends with a link to buy a car and is exactly 140 characters. Don't mention winning much but keep updating profile pic with latest win.
Do it all in Italian. Fuck every other language, yours is best. If you're doing well bang on about it, if you're not start hurling accusations of cheating around. Smoke whilst tweeting.
Don't use twitter, it doesn't suit you and you don't understand it anyway. In fact, my impression of people who work for Williams are all older men in short sleeved shirts smoking Rothmans shouting "I don't even have a phone!"
Don't mention the problems you're having, make out everything is fine and pretend you're not looking out for an affair. (Well done, this is what you're doing)
Just be cunts. Tweet in capital letters and cross promote. @reply all the other teams and diss them constantly
Retweet and favorite every Red Bull post
Be stoic, but make every tweet a pointed remark about how the others have more money so of course they’re doing better.
So french, just post youtube links of Serge Gainsborough records
Angry tweets at 4am in capital letters.
Endless URLs of press releases about how Vijay Mallya isn’t crooked
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