For the last few years F1 has been positively wetting itself over how young the drivers are, Max is 20, Alonso was 20 when he started and there’s a guy in Formula Renault who is into wearing nappies, he’s 37.
Anyway, if you add up Max Verstappen and Lance Stroll you get a really ugly baby, but still one that is only a year younger than me. And I still harbour distant dreams of being an F1 driver.
But today's impetuousness by Max Verstappen was all about youth, he was on better tyres and had time on his hands to easily overtake the mercedes and Ferrari and win the race. He fucked up because he couldn’t wait. And I get that, when I was 20 I hated waiting for things: girls, boys, beard hair, buses, pubes.
The problem is, as all old codgers will tell you, with age comes wisdom, and a wiser driver (cough, Daniel Ricciardo) would have won that race today.
Don't worry, I have a solution
We need to stop these young whippersnappers coming in with all their inexperience and being fucking kids, fucking it up for everybody else.
But how? We aren’t going to have any kind of age limit shenanigans, we are going to have to think laterally
Which is why I propose artificially aging all the drivers, not physically of course, that would be crazy. Instead I think we should mentally age them. How do we do this? Well we use state of the art F1 technology and utilise the simulators! Every morning when they are not racing the young drivers go into the simulator and are given a real time second by second simulation of a boring job, imagine, tomorrow morning Max Verstappen gets in the Red Bull factory at Milton Keynes and has to deal with a HR department who have spelt his name wrong and Carol who has eaten his yoghurt. Then he has to endure nine soul crushing hours of taking calls from idiots enquiring about insurance plans and Raymond organising Emily’s leaving lunch but don’t forget Craig is gluten intolerant. By the imte he gets out of the simulator his soul will be so crushed he’ll have no desire to crash into anyone. And he’ll drink more